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    submitted 07 July 2004 @ 19:37
    edited 29 May 2016 @ 11:12


Written by JAD
Rating: Good (3) (3 rating, 6 ratings)

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Now every story has a hero, whether that hero be an idea, an attitude or a flesh and blood ideal... and this story just has one hero, "Ampour Sahnd".

Ampour lived in a modest little house on the west side of the village Bugger. The village was named Bugger because it was a bugger to live there. Gnats from the swamp it was surrounded by if considered part of the population would make the place a metropolis of billions of people. There were alot of other bugs too for Ampour who were also called relatives. His uncle Jimbahb was the village idiot and would tromp thru the village street chasing down gnats with his teeth. His mother was the village witch that nobody really was fond of, yet put up with her cause she had really good holistic remedies. In all his family was tolerated yet never really liked a whole hell of a lot. Ampour grew up with this and didn't find it to be very unnatural. It was the way of things.

One day a gnome peddler came to the village with a bunch of flyswatters. The village purchased all of them in a mad frenzy resembling any sort of behaviour you could see at your local Costco. Of course Ampour and his family were poor and they could only afford one. So the gnats around Ampours home were soon the only ones in the village. Everywhere else mad crazy litttle children covered in the grime of the swamp had erradicated billions of bugs.

Ampour envied the other kids and for the first time in his life he decided that he didn't like the way his family lived. Not to mention his uncle Jimbahb with gnats just around their home was staying around the house way too much these days. Jimbahb smelled extremely bad due to his practices of toiletry which were actually no practices if you catch my meaning. So Ampour having to deal with the smell decided he would have to go somewhere else.

Where somewhere else was... was a mystery. He had no idea what was outside the village and the peddlers only came by every couple of months and he had never spoke with any of them. He was however impatient which turned out in his favor, for while he was travelling down the road some miles from the village, he turned around and saw a huge foot step on his hometown. The huge foot was attached to a huge leg, and the huge leg was attached to a huge boil of a belly, and that was attached to the head of a gigantic hairy chin of an enormous giant.

From what Ampour could see it looked as if the giant had been pretending it was taking a sobriety test. Placing one foot in front of the other and putting one finger and then another finger to it's nose. The giant of course was drunk and it's drunken stupor was likely to blame for it's stepping on the village.

Ampour knew this giant by heresay, it had been freindly with the village occasionly moving the heavy object here and there for the elders. Yet lately the giants mistress a golden haired model of beauty had left him. She had been from Alifornya where she had worked as an actress and model, she had gone back leaving the poor giant alone. So that was probably why the giant was drunk.

Drunkeness was still not an excuse to deystroy his village. Ampour understood even that it had been an accident yet also that he could never go home. He had heard there were things like destiny and fate for some people, perhaps he had fallen into one of their spells. Thumbing his nose at the mountainous man, he yelled “You stupid giant, I used to live there, now where am I going to live?” The giant like any drunk that accidentally steps on anything or knocks something over simply replied with “oops” followed by a long belch and some gagging noises. Ampour on hearing these knew that the giant might be about to puke, so he ran for his life.

Down the dirt road he ran his bare feet smarting on sharp stones to no avail. The inevitable “eyuch” noise came and a great tidal wave of vomit mostly composed of beer formed behind our hero. The smell however came first mixing with the not so wholesome smells of the swamp to create a potpurri that would satisfy any dung beetles palate. It made our hero’s eyes water and he clamped his fingers over his nose and tried to run harder. Then the wall of regurgitated soup slammed into him.

The great wave swallowed him and tried to sell him the idea that he was a dishwasher. Yet Ampour was not having it, instead he began vomiting himself and choking on the bits of hair and pus in the giants vomits. Anything was better then being a dishwasher. If he ever got out of this wave he'd surely never wash another dish in his life.

The river o' puke carried him down the path past a giant oak tree where an owl hooted at the "hoot'ers" of a tiny fairy bending over to place her face in the warm lucious scent of a apple blossom of a tree across the way. Yet both trees, owl and nubile fairy found themselves swept up in the great current of vomit. Luckily for Ampour the uprooted tree gave himself to hold on to and keep his head out of the water.

Just as the owl and fairy were able to join him upon the felled oak he found himself puking again and wishing he'd never left his poor village to begin with. The cute little fairy who never missed a chance to bend over cutely sprawled herself out atop the oak and let one leg lay across it limply while bending the other to most appropriately display her posterior to the owl. The owl overcome with desire snapped her up in his beak and broke her in half, before raising his head sharply upward to gobble her whole. Choking a bit the owl glanced at Ampour who returned his gaze. Just as the cute little fairy emerged from the owl's torso along with a spree of projectile intenstines that caught a peice of floating driftward nearby and throttled the owl from the oak. The fairy covered in guts blood and in two distinct peices began to fret. Her little fairy hands sweetly reaching over to grab her waist and weakly pull it towards her lower torso.

Ampour lost in a momment of very serious reflection watched this too instead of looking ahead as to where the river was taking them. For ahead of course was a cliff and both he and his serious reflections were about to go over it. Yet the fairy saw and she screeamed in the most feminine voice ever to come out of a girl even one six inches tall, minus the lower half and all which would have made her about 3 inches really.

Yet just before oak, Ampour and cute little fairy were about to go over said cliff and find themselves commited to a long drop and a final divorce from living...

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