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    submitted 22 April 2010 @ 16:37
    edited 23 April 2010 @ 02:29

The No List, D&D V 1.0

Article written by ReincarnateSoul
Rating: Enjoyable (3.5) (3.5 rating, 4 ratings)

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Every table top gamer, at some time or another, encounters a situation in which either they, or another player, decides to do something extraordinarily stupid. Something that is almost certain to get themselves killed, if not the entire party, usually in a truly horrific/humorous fashion. The kind of thing that makes you want to scream, "NO!!!!," but you don't bother, because it's already too late.

I myself have a long and detailed background in playing the Dungeons and Dragons table top RPG, mostly in third third edition and it's rewrite, 3.5, and I thought that it was about time to share my hard won knowledge with others, both for education and amusement purposes. I would like to encourage other people to make recommendations for additions to the list, and to make lists of their own for any table top games they play.

Everything that I am putting on this list is something that either A) I did myself, or B) another player in my party did, C) are pieces of advice for avoiding NO situations, or D) I have added at the recommendation of another FR member (please PM me if you have anything that you think out to go here). So, without further ado, the NO list, for the Dungeons and Dragons table top game, version 1.0.

1. Do not play Pun Pun. EVER. While this will ensure your character's survival even in the face of the wrath of all deities COMBINED, your own party members are liable to beat you to death while the DM turns a blind eye.

2. For you hentai fans out there, remember: Illithids are asexual beings. You have been warned.

3. New characters should not piss off an entire colony of shocker lizards.

4. Desecrating an altar of Gruumsh with an AK-47? Bad idea. Being the DM who made this scenario possible in the FIRST PLACE? Worse.

5. A necklace of fireballs is not a suitable toy for a level two character. Neither are crossbow bolts filled with explosive oil. Most especially, these two things should never be given to lowbies in the same party.

6. Never taunt the tarrasque.

7. In fact, if you see the tarrasque, run.

8. Actually, screw that. Gate your ass outta there. NOW.

9. Unless, of course, you are too low level a party to have access to Gate, in which case, gang-stomp your DM because they deserve no less.

10. Aside from being impolitic in ANY situation, one must ESPECIALLY refrain from the use of "the N word" while touring drow colonies.

11. If you ever need to apply rule 10, you are WRONG. What the hell are you doing in a drow colony to begin with?!

12. Unless you are playing a drow. Shame on you. Extra stabbings if you wield two scimitars. A gang raping if you named yourself Drizzt.

13. Do not call the paladin "Tin Grin".

14. Do not call the wizard "Winky".

15. Do not address a duergar thane as "Shorty".

16. Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy, and taste good with ketchup. (Note: I blatantly stole this one, but it fits with the theme.)

17. Drinking unidentified potions is bad.

18. Waving around unidentified wands is worse.

19. On second thought, if you don't know what it does, leave it untouched in your pack until you can figure it out.

20. Unless it starts making funny noises or glowing in a creepy fashion. Discard it IMMEDIATELY.

Well, that's all for now, but expect lots of future additions/notes as I come up with more from the archives of my RP history or get feedback from readers. :)

Please feel free to comment, and also to PM me with anything you think belongs here (will add them, with proper credits, as I can).



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