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    submitted 15 February 2006 @ 19:14

Becoming a Better Bullshit Artist

Article written by Kragg Slathu
Rating: Very Good (4) (4 rating, 5 ratings)

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Honesty is something that everyone should aspire to... but, in those rare instances where it just doesn't work, the finely honed skills of a great bullshitter can make the difference between spending time in jail, ending up on the gallows, or being otherwise personally inconvenienced, and accomplishing your own ends. Assuming, then, that there are situations where we must resort to alternatives, if only for the sake of expedience, I will share the knowledge I have accumulated on the subject.

Some people are born with the ability to prevaricate readily, some are not. But for those of you who were not so blessed, take heart! The techniques can be learned. I did not rise to be the head of a criminal organization like the Band of the Green Eye by running the straight and narrow, and I am preeminently qualified to instruct you in the ways of creative informational proofing and distribution.

That last sentence was case study #1. If you read between the lines, you will clearly see that the end of the above sentence translates as "deception", "lying" or some similar word. However, the judicious use of confusing language can greatly assist in preventing people from discerning that you are, in fact, selling them wholesale bullshit at retail prices. If you don't own a thesaurus, I heartily recommend that you get one; it's a scammers best friend.

Next, I would like to call to your attention a dangerous trap that awaits every professional verbal reality editor. I like to call it the "Buy-In Boundary". There comes a time, if they are not careful, when every person engaged in misinformation services will find themselves buying into their own bullshit. This is the point at which your cause is utterly lost; the entire point of prevarication is to confuse and mislead others, not yourself. Avoid the Buy-In Boundary, no matter what. I cannot stress this enough.

So how does one construct a good piece of prevaricative art? Confusing language is a good start, but left to itself, it will invariably fail. Confusing, deceptive words cannot hold up under close scrutiny. The trick, therefore, is to develop "patter", a set conversational routine that helps to distract people from what is really being said. This is something that must be personalized; your patter must seem natural and free flowing, given what people know of your personality.

Distraction and deception naturally go together. If the people you are dealing with aren't really paying attention to the meat of what you're saying, it is possible to heap a large helping of bullshit on top that will go completely undetected amongst all the other innocuous things you've said. This is a great tactic, by the way, to use during any legal proceedings, to include the drafting of legal documents and any unfortunate turns in the defendant's chair.

The last element, and one that can not be taught, is class. Always treat people with courtesy and respect. It tends to make them pay better attention to what you think and feel... which is all to the good, since you are trying to persuade them of something that is quite clearly false and quite probably against their best interests. Once you have mastered this art, you will find said persuasion becomes much easier, and that there are less hard feelings even if your bluff is called.

That's about it for my little lesson, but to all of you aspiring rogues out there, I'd like to send a message of hope: it is not that hard to become a good bullshit artist. Work at it; what doesn't come naturally will develop in time. And if you liked this article, please send 25 Gold to Kragg SLathu, care of the Band of the Green Eye. If you want to become the premier misinformation services specialist in your area, you need the complete course, which includes... Sorry, I got a little ahead of myself. That was case study #2.



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Character Development Rating: Very Good (4)
    12 November 2005 @ 14:24

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